my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
