she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
