theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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