So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
