Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
