Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
