everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
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