We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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