listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
