New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
