This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
