Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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