i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize