I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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