Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize