I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
