I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
