Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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