my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
