I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
