if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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