I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
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The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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