I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
