I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
