The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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