my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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