I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
That accounts for only three of the penises
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
