I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
