Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
