I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
