I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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