Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize