Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
