trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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