I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
