Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize