i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
FUCK WHALES
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
