I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
