I bet he comes in French.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
