Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
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