I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
