i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
