It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize