I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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