what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
