I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
