I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
