my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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