I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Bring me that man meat
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
