I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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