Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
