The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
