I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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