Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
