No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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