she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
