It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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