things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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