Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
