i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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