I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
