You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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